Downswing.

I find myself completely uninspired lately, and it shows. The quality of my writing has plummeted. While I’m in the habit of blogging every day, I’m not writing what I want to write. Unless I’m ranting about something, my blog posts are disjointed ramblings (but is that anything new?) that don’t say much of anything at all. My creative efforts suffer in the same way. I can’t even piece together a coherent sentence, much less work through any sort of plot or storyline.

The biggest issue here seems to be that I have less time to indulge my imagination.

Aya is back in school and dealing with the changes between kindergarten and first grade. Mentally and emotionally, she is growing in leaps and bounds. I’ve already missed so much of her childhood. Although I am relegated to the role of provider rather than nurturer, I do not want to miss these years. She deserves a great portion of my time, and I am frustrated that I cannot give her more.

Brian is back in college and has been acting “off” since his classes started, like he’s on the verge of another manic fit. Pissy and sullen mood, walking around with his fists clenched all the time, either mumbling monosyllabic responses or practically shouting out a rapid-fire repeat of his day. It’s like he’s 14 instead of 34. He denies anything is bothering him, but he’s been hanging out with his dad with increasing frequency, so who knows. Trying to walk on eggshells around him diverts a lot of my time and personal resources.

Staffing and policy changes at work are eating up any down time I used to have during daylight hours. And health-wise, my energy is drained; by the time I get to sit down in front of the computer at night, I can’t make sense of what I see on the screen. It’s to the point where I look at the computer and think, “Eh. Why bother.”

I realized today that for the last 15 years, I’ve been setting aside the pursuit of my goals and dreams to make other people happy – and those people do not care whether I am happy or miserable. I am merely existing, going nowhere, doing nothing, slogging through the tedium of the day with a forced smile. This is not what I want to be doing.

Small wonder that my muse is absent.

I have more than one albatross tied to my neck. I know how to make them go away. Not all of them are pleasant. I’ll begin with the easiest: blog less, write more.