Obfuscation and Polite Discussion
Aug 11th, 2008 by Eve
At both Dragon’s Mark’s and Starsider Galaxy’s Out of Character discussion forums, I keep seeing some extremely vague complaints being posted. Those of us not in the know are often left completely confused about the real problems are. Often, all I get out of these generic situations is that Player A does not like the way a mysterious Player B roleplays. Maybe I’m not empathic enough to read between the lines, or perhaps I’m just too dim to understand polite discussion. I doubt it.
I suspect the obfuscation and obscurities are largely being used to avoid getting accused of or nabbed for making personal attacks, as there are obviously some very specific people and scenarios involved here.
Take a moment to think about what your complaints are really about and what sort of response you’re looking for. If your problem is really so specific and narrow that couching it in generic terms means only you and a select group of compatriots can tell what (or who) it is you’re really complaining about, why post on a public message board at all? Are you just looking for a pat on the back from your buddies? Support for your ire from the community at large? If you are hoping the target of your complaint will read your stealth-snark post and respond with a humble apology, acknowledging both the error of their ways and your obvious superiority, think again. Really, think again. When has that ever happened?
I understand the reasoning behind not “calling people out” in an online community, particularly one where the whole “agree to disagree” thing rarely happens. I also understand why some people think that it is important for a forum devoted to cooperative writing and roleplaying to avoid potentially exposing someone to embarrassment or shame. I don’t necessarily agree with those policies.
Here’s why:
- Those who and what details are salient, at least to me. I’d like to be able to use my own personal experience with a player, his character, or similar situations to draw my own conclusions, rather than a limited, one-sided, and probably misleading presentation of the “facts.”
- If I’m doing something stupid, I’d prefer to know exactly what I did wrong. And who thinks I screwed up. And how they feel about it. And if it’s just one person or the community at large. Trust me - if my feelings are hurt, I’ll get over it.
- Social ostracism works. If Player X becomes known for thought-sniping, god-moding, or steamrolling storylines, Player X is eventually going to have to change her ways or find herself without anyone to roleplay with.
I believe it is possible for a community to engage in polite, direct discussion on specific issues, but it requires thick skins, maturity, and a willingness to keep open minds all the way around. Those are in short supply. . . . which is why I keep my RP ranting to my blog.
God. ILU right now.
I could quote this entire article but I won’t because it’s just glorious right where it is.
This is the single most important thing I wish people could understand about me. It’s okay to come to me and straight out tell me, “Remember that thing you did with Charact A that involved the squid? I wasn’t comfortable with that at all.”
And the crazy thing is? I won’t yell at you. It’s ok to be honest with me. Srsly. And if I do yell, mock me for being an idiot.
Okay I lied. I will quote one thing:
“If I’m doing something stupid, I’d prefer to know exactly what I did wrong.”
Yes. This. Time a milliondey. A hundred milliondey.
Unfortunately, I have learned two things from the internet.
1.) People can’t be honest on the internet. Now, from my learning studies with Dr. House, everybody lies. But when you back that with the anonymity of the internet, people are even more prone to lying. It would be beautiful if there was a bullshit detector on the internet, you know? “:( WAIT. THIS GIRL ISN’T SEVENTEE–…O shi, this isn’t even a girl! xO! ::Runaway!::”
2.) Strangely enough, not only to people lie on the internet, they have a strange compulsion to not want to openly, publicly call anyone out. I don’t know if this is because they don’t want to hurt feelings or what. But if you’re going to have the brass to *vaguely* make accusations, why not go all the way? Christ, people. I can’t tell if I’m doing wrong if you don’t say my name the way my Mom used to, you know? “:( Lauren.” That’s all it takes. Just a name. OR. Goodness gracious and heaven forbid, why don’t you just have the jewels to approach someone via IMs? Or EMail? Or PMs? Or whatever? It’s not hare, people.
The more cynical side of me suspects that it’s done for the same reasons as thought-sniping, i.e., cowardice. I’d like to give people the benefit of a doubt, though.
But I so totally agree: if you’re going to make a vague accusation. . . go ahead and go the rest of the way.
I agree with you on this. This is why I hate it when admins pull posts that specifically name someone in a negative way. This happened on AOL and happens on ROH and DM. Like you, I want to know the specifics so I can factor in my own perceptions of the events or people involved.
I think that this whole stigma against naming specifics and is backed by admin authority and policy only encourages some of the drama that occurs when a person finds out they were ::gasp:: actually outed for doing something another person didn’t like.
I also think it’s hypocritical for anyone to wig out when they find out someone said something negative about them when they do it themselves quite frequently. They act as if they’ve never been snarky in IM before.
The times I won’t be specific is if I really do intend to be general. Like if I want to rant about cars cutting me off on the highway, I don’t think it’s necessary to call out specifically each one by car make, model, and license plate number to make my point.